What turns you? Is there something you fantasize about or a scenario that plays out in your mind that instantly makes you wet? If you don’t have the answers, you aren’t alone. A lot of people haven’t nailed down what turns them on. Many struggle to figure out what they like, which can make communicating with your partner next to impossible.
A: “Sex isn’t that fulfilling for me. I’m just not turned on.”
B: “What do you want? What will turn you on and satisfy you?”
A: “I don’t know.”
Not the most productive conversation, right? Two things can help you discover what will turn you on and make sex more fulfilling; experience and research. To help you on your journey of self-discovery, we’ve put together this guide to exploring kinks and fetishes. This will help you figure out what turns you on and how to approach your partner when ready to take these fantasies to the bedroom.
Get more experience
Getting more experience doesn’t mean sleeping with multiple partners. Although each sexual experience will help you learn more about yourself, there are ways you can get more experience without welcoming a new person into bed with you.
- Indulge in pornography or erotic books
A great way to figure out what it is that really turns you on is to indulge in pornography or read erotic books or other media. This is a safe place to step outside of your comfort zone and explore different types of sex. Don’t be confined by what you would normally watch or what you think “should” turn you on. Just because the porno scenario turns you on doesn’t mean it’s something you would want to happen in real life. For example, you may not want your real-life boss to bend you over his desk, but in a fantasy world, this scenario works because it’s just that - a fantasy.
- Experiment with different sex toys
A great way to get more experience is to experiment with different sex toys, like the clitoral sucking vibrator. Using a toy can take your fantasy to a whole other level of fun. With your imagination, this can become your partner’s (or a strangers) mouth.
- Test out fantasies with your partner
Once you have a fantasy or two in mind, it’s time to test these out with a partner. This is where communication is essential. You need to be able to discuss boundaries, and agree that if either one is uncomfortable or no longer enjoying things, you have the right to stop at any time. You don’t have to dive right into things the very first time. You are in control and can take things as slowly or as quickly as you would like.
Do your research
If you have never explored kinks or fetishes before, my advice is to have an open mind. Kinks and fetishes are not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing, and what turns one person on may not turn you one. It’s important to explore this side of your sexuality as there could be something in this realm that will really elevate your sexual experiences. The word kink and fetish is often used synonymously; however, there are some key differences to note.
A fetish is a behavior that arouses a person. In some cases, it may be the only way a person can become aroused. It is a psychological desire for specific objects or acts that allow a person to experience pleasure and reach orgasm. In many cases, the object is not something that stands out as being sexual, such as feet. This type of fixation is known as partialism, whereby the focus is on one specific body part, and that body part is then objectified or sexually charged. Alternatively, a person may have a fetish for an item, such as a corset or a leather belt.
This is an activity or behavior that someone enjoys, which is out of the “norm” when it comes to sex. It heightens their arousal and adds to their sexual experience but is not required for them to enjoy themselves or experience an orgasm. Some kinks include BDSM, impact play (spanking and whipping), or roleplaying.
Now that you have a better understanding of these two terms let’s look at some of the different, most commonly fantasized kinks and fetishes.
This kink includes dominance/submission, sadism/masochism, and bondage/discipline and is one of the most fantasized by both men and women.
- Bodily Fluids
Most commonly, male and female ejaculate, however other bodily fluids, such as spit, breast milk, urine, and even feces, can be a part of this fantasy. Oftentimes, these body fluids are used during an act of dominance/submission.
This entails watching someone have sex or even undress and often involves the thrill of not getting caught.
Some love the excitement of having sex in public or in front of an audience, whether or not the audience is consenting. Other types of non-consenting exhibitionism include flashing a stranger or even masturbating in public.
- Age Play
Many people fantasize about taking on different roles and ages. One more common fantasy in this category is dressing up and/or acting like a child. It is not uncommon for these fantasies to involve dominance/submission or even humiliation.
This entails the act of having sex while dressed up like an animal. This is said to be a psychological escape from self-awareness, which fully allows the participants to focus on sex.
These fantasies are especially prevalent among men and involve the act of watching your partner have sex with someone else. Again, there is said to be an element of BDSM here, as the partner who is simply sitting back and watching is said to be taking on a submissive role, and at times, there is even some humiliation.
Do any of these turn you on? The only way to know for sure is to have an open mind and try them yourself!